My World Turned Upside Down

On a Saturday morning, I still had not felt my baby's kicks yet.  I knew I had an anterior placenta and hearing the heart rate was never easy but I just wanted to check in because the last two days I felt different.  I felt like I lost weight.  I felt like I just wasn't pregnant anymore.  I was able to easily put on a Halloween costume the night before which should have made me look more round but it didn't.  So as my husband put the kids in the car and took them to their soccer games and I was a few minutes behind in my minivan with my 10 month old, Sara Beth, already in her car seat waiting for me, I pulled out the handheld Doppler to listen for my baby's heart rate...

Back in late July 2012, I got a positive pregnancy test!!  Most mothers would be ecstatic but I was less than that.  I was scared.  Here I was sick with an unknown illness later to be determined to be related to the mold found in my home that I swept up one Labor Day weekend 2011 and breathed in tiny mold spores that became my toxic illness leading to pain, neurological and vision changes, etc...  I knew I was "fertile" because I chart my cycles but 2AM happened ;) and here I was... pregnant with #6!

...so on that morning, I failed to find the heart rate.  I knew immediately that baby was gone.  I didn't want to believe it.  I got into the car and drove to the soccer fields.  Outside of the fields in the parking lot, I ran into another fellow Catholic minivan mom of many who also had experienced miscarriage in the past (I lost Baby Groves 4 in January 2011).  She asked me if everything was OK.  I shook my head "no" and we clutched each other in a strong embrace and cried as I told her that I couldn't find my baby's heartbeat.  My husband still didn't know.

I sat through the soccer games of my children and told a friend who was also a nurse and was also pregnant at the same time as me and due at the same time I was.  She said to come to her house after and she'd try to find his heart rate with her Doppler.  After the games were done I told Austin the plan and we went over to her house.  The kids oblivious to anything played with their close friends while we tried again.  Unfortunately, there still was no sound.... boom, boom, boom, boom.  Nothing.

Austin and I got into the car and drove to Sinai where my hospital team awaited our arrival and they too got out the Doppler to try to hear and heard nothing though I told them they wouldn't hear anything and that I was ready to see my baby on ultrasound...now.  They wheeled in the machine and a student doctor put the wand on my belly with the necessary amount of goo and there my baby was... still.  No movement.  No heartbeat.  Silence fell over us all.... then tears.

My baby had been dead for a week they guessed.  I waited for spontaneous labor to come but it never came and I decided to push things along 9 days later and at 17 weeks of pregnancy I gave birth to a baby boy, Christopher Gabriel Groves, November 5, 2012 at home.  We interred him with the remains of my previously miscarries baby months later in a Catholic cemetery in Maryland.

Video of my pregnancy and birth of Gabriel 

My Symptoms Now...

Just a few weeks ago, I had experienced year-long pain throughout my body.  Weakness.  Couldn't do normal activities without throbbing muscle pain, shooting nerve pain, fatigue, low-energy, etc...

Today, I feel better, yes.  But I am not 100%.  I'm not sure what % I am.  I'm so grateful not to be in that pain every day I want to sing about it from a mountain top!  But I still suffer.  Today, I...

• still have shooting pain sometimes in my left thigh and less often in my arms or other places I used to feel it daily...all day long
• have hands cramp after writing, typing or extensive use like cake-making
• have daily inflammation in my hands and arms when I wake each morning so mornings worse and much more noticeable than others
• my mind has gotten clearer and I can remember things I learned more recently but things just weeks ago or especially months ago, I struggle with greatly.  In fact, I don't remember much of the last year unless I took a photo, wrote about it or regularly recall it like the birth of my daughter or this blasted illness and its journey!
• I am still very sensitive to light, almost any noise near me that isn't what I want to focus on is too loud, very sensitive to fragrances especially those hellbent on wearing daily bottles of perfume and cologne (yuck!), the laundry detergents, too!!, I'm still quite sensitive to cats.  I hate cats.  Sorry, but they make my life miserable so I don't want to even see your cat's picture!
• I feel a level of weakness that is hard to describe.  I can easily feel faint when i get up from sitting or lounging.  I get very lightheaded.  I need a minute.  When I sleep, I sleep hard and deep.  And when my body needs sleep (even that daytime nap), it takes it with or without my permission!  I have to call people to get safely to my destination or sleep in parking lots to avoid excessive driving. 
• When I eat even though I strive for a low sugar diet and to balance my meal with proteins and carbs of all kinds, I still want to fall into a deep coma.  Not normal folks.  And eating 5-6 meals a day, that crashing gets old quick!

I'm  glad I have more energy than the sloth I felt like for so long.  And I've gotten a ton done in the month of September that I'm quite proud of.  I have a lot more to go.  A lot more to get caught up with and words cannot express how thankful I am to those who help me.  Babysit so I can go to appointments to get well and learn answers, help with the kids when I need a break if even for 2-5 minutes, surprise soup-making, and I'm sure other things my short term memory won't allow me to recall as I write this post.

I'm still struggling.  I worry most now about my children because I'm well enough finally to do so.  I also worry about my in utero baby.  Only time will tell if this exposure has affected my little growing bean.  I know what the worst can be and I pray for normality, health and LIFE.

Pray for us as we go through this journey back to wellness.  Full wellness.  I'll accept nothing less.

Fibromyalgia: Every Body System is Affected

"We believe there is a genetically defective kidney enzyme, which causes phosphate retention to accumulate to critical levels within cells. This interferes with energy formation, a substance called ATP, and to a malfunction in susceptible tissues. Excess phosphate induces calcium retention, and together they cause all of the manifestations of fibromyalgia.  Fibromyalgia would be more appropriately named Dysenergism to better describe the overwhelming fatigue and the metabolic disturbances throughout body tissues."    
~ Dr. St. Amand, practicing medical doctor in Los Angeles, CA who stumbled upon the reversal treatment for Fibryomyalgia/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

For years, I've had one issue pop up after another.  I thought... it was just because I worked in an office environment in a sedentary job, I didn't exercise enough, I have 2, 3, 4 kids, I "do too much", I attend births in the wee hours of the night, I should have eaten more protein in pregnancy or hydrated better, it's pregnancy's fault, no, it is breastfeeding's fault.  I'm here to say, it sometimes takes us many years of suffering various conditions and recurring issues with a symptom big enough and painful enough to grab our attention, SHAKE US, and proclaim, "there is something really wrong with you!"

 No one wants to have anything medically wrong with them that is serious.  No one wants a terrifying, depressing diagnosis.  No one wants to suffer with chronic illness.  But, sadly, I do.  :(

As I'm writing this, my cousin on my mother's side of the family writes to tell me there are a few suffering with this condition in our family.  I suspected but didn't know anyone was diagnosed.  I'll have to get more info so I can understand my family history of this illness more.

For now, I'm going to attempt to remember (see the letter B above for why I say "attempt") all of my symptoms and issues to-date:

• Chronic fatigue
• Insomnia
• Restless legs and arms
• Muscle and joint pain in legs, arms, toes, fingers, back
• Feeling that I'm elderly and near death's door
• Anxiety, history of panic attacks
• Getting really hot but when I'm cold feeling super cold
• Chronic infections (yeast, mastitis, pneumonia, bronchitis, colds, stomach flu, etc...)
• Chronic low back pain before children
• Short-term memory loss (getting worse)
• Inability to focus and concentrate to finish a project efficiently or even a sensible conversation
• Post Partum Depression twice, other low points in life some caused by traumatic events
• Stress of being a busy mother of many, wife, running a household and finances, involved in organizations, work, studies
• Skin problems - new places popping up out of no where
• Low energy - hard to exercise when it makes me feel worse or exacerbates my low back issue
• Flu-like body symptoms following too much exertion like painting a room, day at Disney that takes 2 days to recover from the immense pain especially in my feet and legs
• Muscle weakness making daily activities hard like washing hair, brushing teeth, lifting baby, holding baby to breastfeed, changing the channel - the weight of the remote, typing, handwriting, knitting, driving - holding the wheel for long periods
• Digestively: stomach upset after eating, gas, bloating, nausea between meals
• Diagnosed in my mid-20s with Irritable Bowel Syndrome
• Diagnosed last month with dairy/egg allergy resolving a lifetime of constipation and regularity issues.
• Easily irritated due to the frustration of the above symptoms and any minor amount of stress
• Apathy at times feeling like giving up then determined at times to find a solution

Every part of my body feels dragged into this symptom nightmare.  In pregnancy with my fourth, I even had high blood pressure (from 90/60 to 130/80 with some bad days in the 140/90 to 148/101 range but thankfully not that last week), diagnosed with proteinuria using 24-hour urine test, diagnosed with hyperuricemia, had pitting edema, gained the most weight ever (so much was retained fluid!), and the metabolic panel showed changes but thankfully the liver enzymes though elevated were not outside of the normal range.  This all came to a head a few days before she just plopped out in one hour of labor making induction talk moot.

I refuse to give up searching for ways to reverse, eliminate, or lessen all of the above symptoms.

I want my life back.

Bradley Birth Natural Childbirth Classes - Teaching women to trust their bodies

For over 40 years the natural birth community has benefited from the natural childbirth curriculum that is evidence-based, up-to-date with today's technology and ways of birthing, interventions and options and that returned the focus of birth preparation back to guiding the mother to trust her own body.  The Bradley Method is a natural childbirth organization with a childbirth educational workbook filled with information and photos taking us through a healthy pregnancy, normal labor, variations of normal labor and the postpartum experience while also focusing on relaxation (the KEY to the Bradley Method) and all you need to know about first and second stage labor, comfort measures, laboring positions and much more! 

In Bradley Birth classes, students will watch DVDs of gestation, normal labor and birth, variations of labor and birth and much more!  Bradley Method classes are fully comprehensive and include:

• relaxation practice in each class,
• The Brewer Pregnancy Diet explained in detail and so couples can learn how to avoid pre-eclampsia of pregnancy among other bad outcomes,
• labor rehearsals including a whole-house labor rehearsal,
• optimal fetal positioning and posture in pregnancy,
• regular and prenatal exercise tips,
• first and second stage labor, 
• cesarean section prevention, what to do if you need a cesarean and recovery tips,
• VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean),
• how to find the midwife/doctor that is right for you,
• how to find the birth place (home, birth center or hospital) that is right for you,
• how to write out a list of birth wishes and communicate positively,
• newborn procedures at birth,
• newborn norms and questions about baby care and parenting answered,
• breastfeeding 101, latch and common concerns,
• postpartum recovery including how to avoid postpartum depression,
• positive affirmations to recite in pregnancy and labor,
• tips on how to labor at home as long as possible and reduce unnecessary and unwanted interventions,
• how to incorporate your partner in all aspects of pregnancy, labor/birth and postpartum,
• building your confidence in the birth process and your ability to give birth naturally,
• how to tune into your body and trust your body, and
• how pregnancy and birth affect the woman physically, mentally and emotionally.

To sign up for a Bradley Birth class near you, visit http://www.BradleyBirth.com/.  Bradley has hundreds of educators nationwide to serve you! 

Join 4600+ fans and LIKE The Bradley Method of Natural Childbirth on Facebook!

http://www.facebook.com/#!/TheBradleyMethodofNaturalChildbirth